Relationship Alchemy Blog

Don't Get Mad, Get Even

Don’t Get Mad, Get Even

Last month as we looked at fulfillment and what it takes to have a fulfilling life. The experiences that bring about that wonderful feeling ran the gamut from decorating our homes to sharing our deepest thoughts with a friend. We talked about self expression and how it feels to be fully self expressed. One thing I noticed was how the energy rose just talking about self expression. There was no lack of ideas on the subject!

When we looked at what blocks our self expression there seemed to be a common theme. At the heart there was a Fear of being judged, criticized, misunderstood, or rejected by others. It seems that one of the keys to becoming more self expressed is to notice when you feel self expressed and when you feel shut down. When you pay attention you can see the words that are going through your mind.  Here are some questions to help you access your own self-expression hot buttons.

What is the story that shuts you down?
What are the words that open you up?
Have you expressing yourself freely?

One aspect of self expression that I feel deserves its very own singular focus is ANGER . Whether we are aware of it or not, unexpressed anger can block our self expression without us even knowing. Anger unexpressed turns into resentment. Whether it is resentment towards others or resentment of our circumstances, or both, resentment blocks our natural flow of energy and keeps us from having a fulfilling life.

My personal experience with my own anger has been a life long challenge for me. From the time I was small I had an awareness of the power of anger. I saw how destructive it could be, and I didn't see any benefits. This awareness led me to make one of those unconscious childhood choices. I decided I was simply not going to EVER be angry. It’s pretty funny when I look back on it. The sad part is that denying one of the basic human emotions ended up keeping me from fully experiencing my life.

Lets look at what the purpose of anger really is. Anger is the emotion that alerts us to something that is not working for us. Something is occurring that we don’t like, a value being stepped on perhaps. Anger is a powerful emotion that surges through us and compels us to act. In its purest form anger helps us to push through to new ground; to enter new territory with a feeling of purpose. When anger is felt and harnessed it can help us to go where we want to go and do what we want to do. What gets in the way? For most women when put in simple terms, it seems to be a fear of running over someone else OR being run over ourselves. It is that dual fear that can keep us from naturally feeling our anger. It is that fear that has us shut down when we do feel angry,which eventually leads to resentment or some kind of explosion, which then leads to us feeling even more determined not to feel or express our anger!  Sometimes we block the anger for so long it comes out as a physical illness or injury that we never tie back to our feelings of anger, which leads me to this week’s title.

Don’t’ Get Mad, Get Even.

I believe that when we feel and contain our anger we are at peace with ourselves. When our anger is used well we can more easily have a balanced life. The word “EVEN” in this case is not revenge, it is something much better. It is an Even feeling that comes when we are confident in expressing ourselves well. This kind of getting Even means finding your own way of being fully self expressed that brings you Even more ease and joy to your life!

Cheers,
Kat

Express Yourself!

A fulfilling life is a pursuit much like that of happiness. It is not a destination point or some place that we ever actually reach. It is more a way of life that is in alignment with our deepest values and has us engaging authentically in our life on a day-to-day basis.

 The exploration of what makes a fulfilling life is much the same for me. My goal is not to pin down the details, it is more about discovering who I am and what I can do in the world that has me feeling alive and on purpose.

 Last week we began this exploration by looking at all the elements that make up a fulfilling life for most of us. Having a life vision and getting into action toward what’s next was one part of the focus. In order to do that though we must address the voice of our saboteur that comes up to stop us from any kind of change. Creating your life from an inspiring vision requires change big time!

 It may sound strange, but I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations that the women in the Alchemy Circle had about their own saboteur voice. The phrases sometimes used by this voice were sometimes downright funny when spoken out loud. Many of the words used were similar in nature, and every single one seemed to end with ”so what’s the point! You might as well give up”,”it’s hopeless”, “your helpless”, “nobody cares anyway!”

 After the voice that is usually running in our head was given some airtime, even if just for a minute or two, there was feeling of relief that came into the space.That feeling was soon followed by pure joy, delight, and a sense of freedom and power. So often in my work with people on creating a fulfilling life this is the case. Once we get the block out of the way, the feeling underneath propels them forward easily. This is where the magic comes in. People, places, and things that were not there a minute ago suddenly appear. A new idea, new opportunity, an enlightening new awareness leaps into the space.

 As we move forward in this exploration I would like you to be aware of this dual experience. I think of it as clearing the space, so something wonderful can happen. It is one of the elements of a fulfilling life in my book. Continually clearing out the negative and allowing the positive life force to come out.

 This brings me to this week’s subject. Express Yourself! All morning I have been singing a line from the Charles Wright song I remember from my teenage years.

Here is my favorite verse:

 

It’s not what you look like

When you're doin what you're doin

 It’s what you're doin

 When you're doin

What you look like you're doin

Express yourself!

 

 Full self-expression is one of the most delicious experiences I know. Yet, for me it has taken a lifetime to learn just how to fully express myself in a way that gets me the results I want. In a leadership program I took they had an expression that has really helped me with this: Full permission-notice the impact. When I apply this to full self-expression it is something akin to how I like to write. Put it all out there and then edit to make it palatable for the public. Say what is true for me and be willing to be with the response of others. That has helped me in many instances to be fully self-expressed with my opinions, ideas, and thoughts.

  However, where it gets really tricky for me is when I am feeling angry. I mentioned last week that Healthy Emotional Expression is an important element in being fulfilled in our lives. This week we are going to look at Full Self Expression in all of its colors with a special focus on how that looks when we are angry. The saboteur voice stops us by creating negative thinking based on fear. Not knowing what to do with our anger blocks our energy so completely that it is one of the most common ways women sell out on themselves. The experience of having our anger blocked drains our energy, has us feeling small and incompetent. Not knowing how to authentically and effectively express ourselves when we are angry can cause us to lash out at others or to beat up on ourselves. Pretty nasty stuff.

 You know I am going to give you some good news right? Of course. We are looking at two tracks here at all times. There is the track that holds us back. There is the track that propels us forward. That is the track we get on the instant we feel the emotion of anger, know exactly what to do with it, and fully express ourselves! Something pops out of us that is so authentically pure as to be delicious. The feeling can leave us euphoric for days.

 I know this one well as I said from a lifetime of being trapped by my own anger. For many years I was disconnected from the feeling and wondering why I was so tired all the time. Then when I became aware of the particular way anger feels for me, I had to face my stupidity on what to do with it! I was tempted to go back to ignorance and might have if that had even been possible. Instead, I began to learn what NOT to do first, and then slowly but surely I learned healthy and happy ways of feeling and fully expressing myself when anger showed up to let me know something wasn't working for me.

 I have to confess this lesson has been in my face recently. Okay... okay, it was the lesson that was up for me over the past week, so it is fresh in my awareness! I learned one more piece of the puzzle in being fully self-expressed. I faced down my own saboteur voice and stepped out into the unknown territory of being self expressed with my anger.

 This week I want you to look at your own full self-expression, and look at what gets in the way as well. What is full self expression like for you: When you're feeling sassy, when you're feeling blue...when you're feeling quiet as a shoe....AND especially when you are feeling angry and don't know what to do! This week notice your authentic self-expression. When is it fullest? What blocks it? What helps to unlock it?

 

Cheers,

Kat

Fulfillment is a High Wire Act!

Over the month of October the Relationship Alchemy Circle members worked on creating a life vision for themselves. As with all things worth doing, this project had its challenges as well as rewards. Some of the challenges were about time.  I heard stories about not having enough time to make a vision board, and laments such as “it takes sooo much time to sit down and write a vision story Kat!”

 Some of the other challenges were internal. Some of the women didn't know what they wanted to put on their boards or in their stories. Others had never had any success with visioning and were resistant. There was also the challenge of seeing what was currently missing in their lives. Along with that at times, came the challenge of longing for something they had never yet experienced.

 By the end of the month, the rewards starting pouring in. There were inspiring stories of elements of the visions sparking the women into action. Some were reaping the reward that comes when there is absolute clarity on what they desired. Once the resistance was overcome, visions sprang forth magically for some, while others were still learning from the visioning process what they were meant to have as a fulfilling life. That is what seemed to be the most common thread that tied all these amazing visions together. Though each vision was unique in the elements included, they all were pictures painted with words and images of a fulfilling life.

 Just like the vision process the real life experience of fulfillment is mixed with challenges and rewards. This is one of the benefits of taking the time to envision. It gives you practice, as well as the inspiration needed to actually live a fulfilling life.

 This subject is so important to me and my own purpose here on earth that it is at the heart of the book I am currently writing. The working title says it all to me.

 Fulfillment is a High Wire Act!

 Creating and sustaining a life that is fulfilling takes a very clear intention. It is not an experience that one can have while sleep walking through life.  It is not one that most people are willing to take on. Just like the experience the women in the Alchemy Circle had last month. It is both challenging and rewarding; they go hand in hand.The good news is that the challenges are rewarding, and the rewards are YUMMY!

 When I look at what makes a fulfilling life here are a few elements that seem essential and in no particular order. Full Self Expression, Self Love, Self Care, and Balance, which means saying yes and no to the activities that we do, yes and no to the people in our lives, and yes and no to how we live our life on a daily basis. It takes planning and preparation to live a well balanced life. It takes joyful discipline as well.

 Next comes emotional and physical fitness. We humans are emotional creatures. It is important to know what we are feeling and have the ability to express our feelings appropriately. That sounds rather stiff perhaps, but my experience has been that when I am in touch with my true feelings and know what information they are conveying to me, I feel so darn good! It frees me up like nothing else. I have found that to do this, it is important to listen to my body. The body never lies! There is a direct connection between our emotions and body sensations that is so helpful to be aware of. This is certainly one of the essential pieces to a fulfilling life!

 Last but not least, I believe we need to be aware of and know how to self manage our inner critic, saboteur voice, gremlin activity, or whatever you call that entity that comes up to block your every success and to underline your so-called “failures”. This is actually one of the true dangers of having an inspiring and clear vision of what your life is really meant to look like. It calls out the gremlins every time. The blocks surely come up, and the self-sabotaging behavior is not far behind.

 That of course brings us back to where I began. Creating a vision of a fulfilling life can be both challenging and rewarding. Living a fulfilling life is a high wire act that calls for courage! It is not for sissies, that is for sure. Though the rewards can include material wealth, relationship bliss, and business success, it is the feeling of confidence in oneself and the joy of living that are the greatest rewards. In my book, that is something worth putting some effort into!

 If you are up for a fulfilling life and would like to begin living one, I hope you will join in the fun this month. Here is one way to begin stepping into a fulfilling life:

Identify the voice of your inner critic. Simply notice when you feel constricted. When you begin to feel hopeless or bad about yourself. What is the voice saying to you? What kind of tone does it have? What are the words it uses? There is no need to make a judgment about this voice because that usually makes it worse! Just notice the voice for what it is, and shift your attention to something that uplifts your spirits.

 

Cheers,

Kat

 

Life Vision- Part 2

I remember one particular moment when the dust had just settled in my “new life”  as I thought of it then. I had gone all the way with following my life vision and could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I decided that from that day on I would live my entire life from my vision. I would use my collages, my writing, my daily meditation to tap into my life vision; to receive messages from below the surface on what choices were in my best interest. Where I should go, what action I should take, should all be based on alignment with my vision. I put my trust in this way of life, and the rewards have been amazing.

 

From my very first collage, where I made a picture of the place I was guided to live. The picture was totally unfamiliar. It wasn't something I had in mind at all. I liked it very much though, because of the peaceful feeling I had when I looked at it. I kept that collage in my bedroom for about a year without giving it too much thought. Every once in a while I would look at it directly and enjoy the beauty I saw. If I thought about it too much though, I would shake my head wondering what it was really saying to me.

 

I wasn't thinking of it at all when I was guided to stop in Ventura on my way to another destination. On that trip Curtis and I found a park for our dog to run, and right then and there I declared this was where I wanted to live. I didn't think of the collage when I got an intuitive hit to go online and look at rental properties and found one that made my heart sing.

 

It was quiet a shock, a pleasant kind of surprise when we arrived at the rental property I had found and it was located directly across the street from the park where I had made my declaration. After we secured the house, I was sitting in my new office for the first time. I looked out the windows at the lovely back yard, and there it was. An almost exact replica of the picture I had created in my collage 2 years earlier. I ran and got it out of the box I had packed for our move. It looked the same, it felt the same. I knew I had lived into my life vision one more step.

 

I had followed my very own MAP to a destination that was right for me. That to me is the key to following a life vision. We are always being guided to what is right for US, not some generic right, but our rightful place in the world. A life vision holds our Whole life, our creative expression, ideal place to live and work,  and the romantic relationship that is best for us and who we are meant to be.

 

This month we are going to go beneath the tip of the iceberg that is above the surface, and see a bigger picture of our life vision and purpose.

 

To get a glimpse of yours, you can simply draw a circle on a piece of paper. Make a pie chart of however many pieces of the pie you would like to look at in your life. Write in the areas that come to mind. Then ask yourself what you would like to have happen in each area. This is a great beginning to having a life vision structure by which to live your life!

 Cheers,

Kat

Life Vision- Part 1

Last month in the Relationship Alchemy Coaching Circles we focused on our personal power and looked specifically at feminine power; how we use it, and how we lose it. It was an exciting conversation all month long.

 

This month the question that came to me when I looked at personal power was this: What’s the point? What does being powerful actually get us? What benefit is there for others? I have learned that as wonderful as it is to learn and grow personally, for most of us on a spiritual path of some kind, it is also essential that our growth be about something bigger than us. We want to be more than just good, we want to be good FOR something.

 

Many people come to me looking for relationship advice and guidance and think that " if only" they had a good man, or a good relationship, or a better this or that. It doesn't take long before they see that what they really need is a road map, not only for their ideal relationship, but one for all areas of their lives.  The most fulfilling relationships are ones that fit into our Life's Vision! Then, It would make sense that the next step on the path to a fulfilling relationship and life would be to have clarity on your own life vision and purpose. To do so you must create your own road map that includes your  personal values, as well as your relationship values, a vision that includes your creative expression, as well as the people with whom you want to travel.

 

This month in the Relationship Alchemy Coaching Circles we will be looking at uncovering your life vision and purpose. Your vision is not something you make up purely from your mind. My experience has shown me that our life vision is something that in part we already know. Most of it is beneath the surface of our conscious mind. The fun we will have this month is digging it up so you are aware of more of it and have a map that you follow as we move forward. I have a bunch of exercises designed to help with this process. As we move throughout the month doing the exercises I send out with this blog I know you will see more of your life vision than ever before.

 

My own personal experience with my life vision began when I was very small. I had visual flashes of what my life would be like; premonitions they are sometimes called. I got a direct order from what I thought of as God when I was 7. The message I heard was that I was meant  to teach people how to get what they wanted by listening to what was in their heart.

 

I got another piece of information 10 years later when faced with a traumatic experience. Though I was terrified, I knew even during the experience that I was learning something essential for me to live out my life’s vision and purpose.

 

Many times I have shied away from my vision and purpose because it seemed too big, or I felt I wouldn't be able to do it. I also was afraid of what changes I would have to make in order to follow the path my vision laid out for me. I remember many years of my life spent with just an inkling of knowing that there were some new choices I would need to make. During that time I fought this knowing, but at the same time I was excited to find out more. A point came when my body could no longer tolerate my selling out on this vision. My soul was louder than my fear, and I took action that changed the course of my life forever. I began doing visualization exercises using a myriad of experiences. I wrote, made collages. I went to workshops where we did group activities. I read books and did meditative chanting. Slowly but surely my life vision and purpose was revealed to me. I saw it more and more clearly, and felt I could decipher the truth of the message.

 

With this clarity came many changes, new choices, risks, and a complete change in what I used to guide me. No more was it caring about what people thought of me, or what I had been taught about living a " safe" life. I shifted into listening to my own internal guidance. My vision compelled me forward,  toward a life that was unimaginably fulfilling.

 

There were moments along the way that as compelling and right as my actions seemed, as much as I could feel myself being guided, I was afraid and lost without my old guideposts; the familiar setting, the people I was used to having around me. I pleaded with the universe many times about how unfair it was that I had to go through so many uncomfortable conversations. Luckily, as I stepped farther and farther onto the road of my life vision, the people I met helped me to adjust and blossom.

 

I have since made visioning a centerpiece in the work I do with my clients. I have several visualizations I use to tap into this inner knowing, as well as exercises and other tools. I have found that just like the uniqueness of our individual visions, we each access our vision in a variety of ways.  I encourage you to experiment with a few visioning techniques to find the one, or ones that are best for you.

 

Journal: Begin by putting yourself in a particular setting 5 years in the future.

Meditate: Ask the question: What is my life's purpose?

Collage: Ask for your life vision-to-be to show you in pictures.

Go on the Internet and find pictures that you are attracted to, or go through magazines. Once you have a pile of pictures, begin making your own picture with images and words. Don't think too much just have fun!

 

Cheers, Kat

 

Their marriage, my marriage, your marriage (Women-Money-Power Part 2)

Stay tuned for part 2. 

Along with my mother and her childhood patterns being lived out for better or worse there was also a drama being played out on the home front in my parent’s marriage. My father was the musical director of a small school.  He too loved his work but at my mothers urging he was pursuing a degree in school administration so he could move up the ladder in the school system. He also had a passion for architecture, which led him to start a building business along with some friends. This was short lived and ended up with him losing a great deal of money, at least that is how I remember it.

 My clearest memory of this last drama was of my mother taking me by the shoulders one day, looking me directly in the eye and telling me with a greater intensity then I ever remember before or after. She asked me to promise her that I " would never depend on a man for money". Promise! I did promise but I also decided in that moment that my mother was wrong about women, money and power. Well I was about 7 at the time so I doubt my thinking was that sophisticated. It was however something along those lines> I had a knowing that I was all GIRL a romantic soul to boot. I knew even then that I wanted to have a wonderful career AND to have a good marriage with all the trimmings.  

When I pull the lens back a bit I also can see that for me what I witnessed in both my parents families of origin and my own family was that the women had a great deal of power. I could see that pretty clearly. I was confused though about how they used it, the mixed messages they sent and exactly how the men in these families fit in. 

It is no mystery to me then that I went into adulthood with these mixed messages and proceeded to get even more confused by my own dramas in the area of money and power. There was my surprise when the financial deal I thought I had with my first husband to support my career as a weaver, was broken not long after the ink dried on the marriage license. 

Then there were the many arguments we had about money, which didn't change much as we moved from poverty to prosperity. It was one such argument we had at a time when we were financially well off that let me know I was living out an old old family pattern. Most likely two old family patterns colliding. There was nothing else that would explain the crazy making conversation I was having. We had achieved the financial position we had worked for at last. Instead of rejoicing in our accomplishment though we were in conflict. It was no longer just about money. I could see that it was a power struggle being played out between us with our childhood fears in charge. 

The good news in these stories is that when we become aware of an unconscious pattern being played out we can change it! The fear and limited thinking built into these patterns can be replaced with a new pattern of our own creation.  Here is how you can make this shift for yourself. Take some time to identify your own childhood influences. 

Look to your grandparent and parents. Look at your parent’s marriage, the influences from movies and books. What were your messages from those people you admired or those you feared? 

Look for the patterns. Then begin to identify how those patterns have played out in your life. What were the messages you received from these various sources about how women, money and power were used? When you have this information you will be able break the patterns that leave you confused and powerless. Little by little you will be able to begin new patterns that are based in your own feminine power. Patterns that include being fully feminine AND powerful with money in a way that makes for happy and healthy relationships.

Use this Relationship Coaching Connection exercise to find out YOUR patterns. 

Uncovering your relationship with money patterns

Take out a piece of paper and label four columns

Do a stream of consciousness writing. Soft focus and write in each column whatever comes to mind when you ask the question. 

What did I learn about women-money-power from: 

• My mother and her family? 
• My father and his family? 
• My parent’s marriage? 
• Other Influences-friends, movies, books, authority figures

Cheers,Kat

Women-Money-Power (Part One)

I just love seeing those three words together! I have a sense that if we women can band together and come up with a consensus, on how we would ideally align our personal power in the area of money, we would make a positive shift in our romantic lives. 

This is such a HUGE subject that I hardly know where to begin the exploration. I have done a lot of research into this subject with my clients and in the culture in general. Much has been written and many conclusions reached on how money and power are connected and the impact that has on the choices we make in the romantic realm. 

The place that seems to be the most interesting to me today though is the place where most of us learned consciously or unconsciously a ton on how money and power work. The experiences we had in our childhood in this area, more than any other is emblazoned on our brains. Just like we have discovered when identifying our limited beliefs. In childhood we have our focus on Survival and so we take in our experiences through that lens. 

To say the messages I received about money and power in my childhood were mixed would be putting it mildly. A little sampling from the money and power file from Kat's childhood goes a little like this. 

My paternal grandfather lost his job during the depression, drank too much and never really recovered, dieing from a heart attack before I was born. My paternal grandmother went to work to support the family. She worked as a secretary for decades. From my youthful perch I witnessed her joy in her work and ability to support herself fairly well. She always dressed nicely, had a cute little car and a nice house. She also talked with resentment about the fact that she " had to work" and that she didn't have the leisurely lifestyle she felt she deserved.

My maternal grandfather was a farmer who provided very well for his wife and family. 

My mothers mother my grandma Dolly never worked " outside the home". She was never really happy as far as I could tell though. She often spoke of how she felt cheated as a woman. Her father had sent her brothers to college and refused her request to do the same. She carried bitterness about this to her grave. She made sure that all four of her children had a college education with a special pride in her daughter’s accomplishments. 

This played itself out in my parent’s marriage the way these things usually do. 

My mother loved her work as a Home Economics teacher. During my childhood she taught high school while going to school for her Doctorate so she could one day be a college professor. She sometimes took me with her when it was childcare week. I witnessed the love her students had for her and how confident and happy she seemed.  I also accompanied her when she lived on campus one summer and again saw her enjoying this aspect of her life.  She achieved her goal when I was 10. I got to see her live into her dream first hand. I would often stop by her office and got to know many of her students after school. She only got to enjoy her dream for 2 short years. She was fired from her dream job ironically for having created a day care center run by her students that provided an inexpensive option for the local working mothers.  The reason given for her dismissal was that she was influencing the young women who were her students to pursue their career dreams instead of becoming good homemakers. 

Stay tuned for part 2. Their marriage, my marriage, your marriage

The Hard Truth

The first time I heard that expression was in a coach training class I attended almost 10 years ago. It was being used to describe a coaching skill to the class with little ole me as the example! The teacher sensed that this skill was a challenge for me to use. He hit the nail on the head with that one. Paradoxically though telling the truth was a high value of mine I also had fear of conflict, which often got in the way of full truth telling on my part. In situations of high emotion I had a habit of fudging a bit on the truth. Soft soaping, watering down, glossing over are all terms that come to mind when I think back on the way I used to avoid speaking the hard truth to others as well as myself. 

 I have learned over the last 10 years in my work as a coach and my personal life, that it is this particular kind of truth that is most likely to be at the core of what is blocking us from our highest good. It is also, this kind of truth that is most likely to set us free when it is known and accepted. 

What is the hard truth exactly? For me it is a truth that is hard to see, hard to accept, hard to deny once known. It is a truth that is usually at the core of our not getting the results we desire in our lives. The hardest aspect of this kind of truth can be seeing how long a limited belief and sabotaging behavior has been working against us. 

 When we see a hard truth about ourselves we are forced to accept responsibility for creating trouble for ourselves. Yikes...that can be super hard to do. 

There is nothing more freeing however once you get past the shock and shame of it. 

I have come to appreciate and use often the skill of telling the hard truth in my work with clients. I have seen the transformation that happens and know that it is a rare event in our lives to have someone willing to risk the wrath that can come when a well-hidden truth is poked and prodded into the light.

  The positive results of knowing the hard truth became apparent to me in a new way last week in the Relationship Alchemy Coaching Circle conversations. Having focused on the truth for the month of August we were reaping the benefits that truth telling offers. I noticed that many of the women were getting down to some core beliefs that had been limiting them. There is a certain sound or vibration felt when a hard truth is named. It feels like a …CLUNK! 

When I am on the phone with someone it is palatable. In person there is a look people get that is a kind of “deer in the headlights” look, with the deer in this case being a startling new awareness of themselves. 

My challenge to you this week is to take a look at your life and see if there is an area that is not working the way you would like. Pay attention to how you feel when you think about this. Do you get a knot in your stomach? Does your thinking get kind of fuzzy? Do you suddenly feel drained? If so you have most likely hit on something that could use a good dose of hard truth telling! 

Ask yourself. If I were willing to see clearly what would a possible hard truth be in this area? Take a note from last weeks message and PLAY with this. Soft focus on the question and see what comes to the surface.  It may take a minute it might take a week but eventually you will see a hard truth.  The benefit of knowing a truth is being set free.  The best thing about knowing a Hard Truth is the feeling of being set WAY free!

Cheers,

Kat

When we Play!

I am feeling that " back to school" vibe today because my son is starting Law School and my husband beginning a new job. Though they are 35 years apart in age there is still the same kind of anticipation and excitement that reminds me of my own school experience. I was reminded that for me back to school was the end of one kind of Play and the beginning of another. Maybe it is because I began something new myself this weekend, launching a new partnership and workshop project for entrepreneurs that has me thinking about new beginnings and play.  As I was teaching the participants about the importance of knowing what each of us uniquely brings to others I was reminded of my own mission. I am here to teach people " when we play we are god". 

I believe that when we play we access our highest good, our most authentic creative selves, are automatically put into a positive frame of mind and we let go of those negative thoughts and feelings effortlessly. I mean no disrespect to other ways of using the word god. This is my own particular meaning of the word god. For me there is a god in each of us and it has a power and a presence that leads the way through play.  

 I also believe that we are meant to do this together! There can of course great benefit to time spent alone and I highly recommend it. That time though is for us to refuel, recharge, and reconnect with ourselves so we can “play well with others". None of us is meant to go through this life alone. We are meant to share the journey with a lot of other folks. '

On that note it is a Paradox that it seems to take most of us a good bit of effort to actually allow ourselves to Play. If you have been following this month’s theme you might wonder how this fits in with Truth Telling. The connection for me is that it is through play that we come to know the truth about others and ourselves. When we play we let go of all the thinking that blocks this truth. When we play the truth of who we are just bubbles up and presents itself. 

In the Playful Art of Relationship workshop we have an activity where the participants choose a nametag based on an archetype of a fictional character. They then choose accessories that bring that character to life. Each time I do this workshop I am mesmerized by the transformation that happens! Often there is resistance in the beginning. There is a bridge to pass over which seems to have a troll sitting beneath it, yelling a berating message about play being nonsense, risky, stupid or some such thing. 

Once the bridge is crossed and the costumes are put on however, the play begins. I have a feeling that if I could take a picture of the atmosphere in the room at that moment you would see a bright light around every single person. As the play progresses and the participants let go of self-consciousness and fully inhabit their character, a funny thing happens. They become more and more authentically themselves. The truth of who they really are is present. By pretending to be someone else they see the truth about who they truly are. A truth that sets them free!  Oh happy day, I must be playing, I managed to bring this back around to this months Theme. 

This week I encourage you to Play around often and even more often then seems healthy. Especially if you have an important date or meeting. Especially if you are feeling cranky or like you aren't achieving your goals fast enough. Especially if you are in love with life and want more. 

Ask yourself these questions: 

If I weren't taking this at all seriously what would I do? 

If I were to pretend to be (fill in the blank with someone you admire) how would I act? 

What kind of play would be fun to put in my schedule today? 

What do I notice happens when I play? 

Notice opportunities to Play as often as possible. Then notice what happens when you are able to be playful with the circumstances and the people in your life. 

Cheers,

Kat

Truth telling Bliss

When it comes to truth telling be it to ourselves or others it is often a challenging activity.  During our Relationship Alchemy circle conversations last week one subject that kept arising is: why go to all this trouble? It is not like we are talking about honesty here. The kind of truth telling we are exploring is something much more subtle and hard to pin down. Relationship Guru's Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks call this " the microscopic truth". 

This is why I created the conversation structure. To make what is challenging, subtle and hard to integrate into our every day lives a little easier to do. Paradoxically using the conversation structure is in and of itself a challenge! It can seem stilted and fake when you are first giving it a whirl. What then would make all this effort worthwhile you, like the women in the circle might be asking?

As I stated a few weeks ago, I have always been a truth seeker. It is something I have prided myself on and I was especially proud of the level of honesty I had in my first marriage. There were many things I was honest about with my husband at the time that seemed to be above and beyond the normal bounds of truth telling. It wasn't until the end of our marriage though, the day I consider our last day as husband and wife that I experienced a kind of truth that changed my life forever. 

On that day my husband and I took a whole day away from everyday life to look at our marriage. We went to a remote spot by a stream and stayed there from morning to night. We packed food and drinks and left behind any distractions. 

We started the conversation looking at the fact that our marriage was most likely over. Once we had established that we decided to look at what had brought us to this place after 25 years together. There was something sad but also so freeing about admitting we had come to an end. We started asking each other questions we had never dared ask. We found answers we didn't even know were there. 

Now that we had nothing to lose it seemed there was a deeper truth under the surface for us to see. He admitted his thinking at the time of our wedding was to possess me even though he knew I wasn't ready for a life- time commitment. I admitted I was desperate for security after a series of traumatic events in my life. He admitted that he had known that and wanted to rescue me. We both saw clearly the unspoken trade offs we had made and how they had kept us together yet off balance all those years. 

I will never forget the feeling of unearthing those truths. I had a range of emotions at the time. I was Angry and sad, I was humble and full of deep appreciation. We laughed, we cried, we talked a lot!  At the end of our conversation, though he was very sad that our marriage was ending, he thanked me for giving him " one whole day spent living in the truth". I too was sad , yet I knew it was one of the best days of my life as well.  I made a commitment to myself that day. Knowing and speaking the truth at that level became my new normal. I was never again going to allow myself to be in a romantic relationship based on anything but that kind of deep truth. I realized that if I made that level of truth telling at the beginning of a relationship I would never have to live with less again. 

What I have discovered in the years that have followed is two fold. It takes an ongoing effort not only to know and speak the truth, but to stay engaged in the conversation without being attached. The other discovery is the truth is not something set in stone. It is an ongoing discovery process. 

Luckily there is one thing that remains a constant for me. The truth telling experience is always worthwhile. It is a feeling beyond description. Bliss is as close as I can come.  I have an anchor that will never let me down. The truth is a rock foundation I can count on always.