The New Male-Female Power Structure by Kat Knecht

One of the biggest fears expressed by my relationship coaching client couples is the fear that they will lose their identities and freedom of choice if they fully commit to the relationship. Some of them face this fear right before making the decision to head down the aisle; others reach a point of panic when expecting their first child or when accepting a new career choice.

No matter when the fear arises or what the problem or issue is, at the heart of the matter is the fear of losing personal power. This in and of itself is not a new phenomenon. People have had such fears through the ages. Right now, though, what I see happening is a world-changing paradigm shift: The shift from power struggle between the genders to power couplehood – for those who can make the leap.

Extra-Ordinary partnerships create an environment for the individual members to flourish. Instead of dominance/submission or compromise, these relationships create a third way that is better for the individuals involved than anything they could have come up with alone. Paradoxically, this new way creates a powerful, loving and fulfilling partnership.

What’s the catch, why isn’t everyone doing this?

Beyond Feminism
Popular culture tells us we need to be independent and powerful as individuals first and create a partnership from that stance. The marriage that masters the new power structure works the other way around – counter to where our culture’s heels have dug in. In the new power structure the individuals learn to grow and become more and more powerful as they work together as a team.

An Evolutionary Shift
Here is what I know is needed at this point in our evolution – right now. It is a new power structure based on collaboration not hierarchy. It is much messier, requires much more conversation, and most of all it calls for telling the truth about our individual desires and not looking to the past for guidance.

Here is my question: What if this new power structure is really the most direct path to real equality? What if this new way that works for both individuals is the missing piece to all that feminists and the like have pursed for generations? What if we were to focus our attention in our personal relationships towards what we are wanting in our work and in our home life in order to create what we are really seeking?

Here Is How the New Power Structure Works
It seems we are matched with our soul mate so we can grow spiritually as well as emotionally and in every way, actually. The universe has quite the sense of humor with this because a part of that match includes being partnered with the person who, while pushing us to grow, pushes our buttons as well.  This dynamic, of course, looks different in every relationship. The common factor is the power struggle element. This is where breakdown happens and the fear of losing power can block the love and trust in a marriage.

A New Kind of Commitment
The new power structure is not a set course from here to eternity. It requires an ongoing conversation. It requires the willingness to tell the truth (what you experience as the truth!) even if it seems selfish or old fashioned or contradictory. It requires being willing to do the personal growth work as individuals as well as together. It requires that kind of commitment. Not just a commitment to time, but to faithfulness and love. It goes beyond the basics and the bare minimum.

The New Power Structure Calls for Courage
The new power structure allows you to be in a relationship where you get to shine and be your best, loving and loved for exactly who you are and who your partner is. You use your full power and have it welcomed. You are fully partnered in a way that supports the best in you and forgives the worst. You create a fulfilling life with someone who shares your passion for life. You make decisions about money, sex, work, and children where your opinion is valued as highly as your partner’s. Your view is welcomed. Your dreams are realized even greater than you could have imagined when holding onto them yourself.

This, my friend, is the promised land of the new power structure. It is a relationship paradigm worth having, let me tell you. It is worth the work, the messiness, the time and the sacrifices of ego gratification and looking good to other people. It is the ultimate life experience a person can have here on earth! If you are reading this book, I know that you, like the couple in the following story, are up for this most rewarding journey.

The High Dream of The New Power Structure
When this new power structure is embraced, we will let go of all old ways of thinking and family structures that are dependent on a matriarchal or patriarchal system in order to function. We will bring the wisdom of the ages – and our individual and joint strengths.

We will remember that we are each individuals and can never be generalized into a gender category AND gender plays a role in making up who we are. We will make a commitment to growing, exploring, loving, nurturing, and always be willing to see the truth together no matter how messy. We will hold the other’s best interests as well as our own as equal and be committed to honoring both at all times, knowing it is not only possible but magical.

There are NO easy answers here only an ongoing conversation about what is true Now – in our evolution as a culture and as individuals in a relationship. This kind of fulfillment is possible only when we are in a relationship where we are authentically ourselves with a trust so deep we can face the unpredictable and varied circumstances of life with joy.

It is also true that we actually create a new entity when we are in relationship with another human.  As the wisdom of the combined elements of the people in the relationship, it will always hold the key to what is best for each individual as well as the unit. Sounds too good to be true? Explore it for yourself and see what you find.

Comments

[SystemsThinker]

I really like how you tie the romantic power paradigm in with the culture's larger issues with power. And I am very hopeful that it is through such new power structures that a healthier world will arise. You also correctly identify courage as one of the main issues keeping us from having this.

I also love your mentioning that the answer is in the third way, not either of the two poles. I speculate about that "third hand solution" in my post, Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat?.

The post is at http://www.systemsthinker.com/blog/2008/04/choosing-intimate-partners-repeat/

I think this is one of the most important topics around. Waking people up to the ways to create win-win relationships is such a powerful healing mechanism.