Relationship Alchemy Blog

A Serendipitous Occurrence by Kat Knecht

A year ago, after hearing of the Virginia Tech shootings and going to the campus to report for our radio show, it became clear to me that a part of my mission here on earth was to help teenagers learn how to love each other in the highest sense of the word.

When I returned, my business partners and I made a commitment to bring the relationship work we did with adults to Teenagers here in our new hometown of Ventura, CA. We had a clear intention about bringing our relationship-training course to teens in the easiest and most prolific way possible. We had many a conversation about how great it would be to have some kind of regular class or workshop in every school in the city. We put it in our company’s big picture plan with the idea of creating a non-profit foundation in our company.

We soon found out that starting our own non-profit was a major undertaking and would most likely take us some time to get up and running. We felt that the need was one we wanted to address now. To kick-start it this spring we decided to make a monetary contribution to a program that was already working with teens here in Ventura.

We were rolling out a new training course ourselves so we got the ball rolling by designating 10% of all the income we earned from this offering to an organization that helped teenagers.

When we got our first deposit for the course we went scrambling for a place to make good on our promise. It needed to be an organization that would fulfill our desire to have a positive affect on teens in our area. I remembered a woman named Katherine I had met a couple of months ago who had a teen program that addresses the problem of underage and binge drinking by using improv and involving the teens themselves in a way that had really appealed to me.

I got out her card and intended to call her. I left it sitting right by my phone so I wouldn’t forget when I came back from my networking meeting that day. I am usually a very punctual person but on this day I was late and there was only one seat left by the time I got to the restaurant where we meet.

When I walked into the room it was buzzing with activity and there was only one seat left. So I grabbed it and began chatting with the woman next to me as the meeting began. I didn’t recognize her at first but when she handed me her card I realized she was Katherine, the very woman I had been intending to contact!

I excitedly told Katherine I had been meaning to call her and exclaimed at the serendipitous occurrence that she would be at this meeting since she wasn’t a member and that I would be sitting next to her.

The networking meeting started then and I gave my 30 second speech highlighting my relationship work. After I was done Katherine told me that SHE had been looking for me too. Her non-profit organization was applying for a grant to bring a relationship program for teens into the schools here in Ventura.

Yes, my mouth did fall open right about then I must admit. I most likely looked like a fish about to swallow its dinner. I do believe in this kind of coincidence but I am always amazed when it happens. To hear the exact words I had been speaking as I imagined our work with teens coming out of someone else’s mouth was quit a thrill. Over lunch Katherine told me she had already enrolled the entire school system here in Ventura and two other big teen organizations to be a part of this exciting and comprehensive program. In fact there was only one thing she was missing: She had everything except someone who knew about teaching teens relationship skills! The exact piece that my company was well versed in.

In the matter of a week we had brainstormed, met with the other partners, spent countless hours pouring over everything needed to make this happen. Then we formed a partnership and applied for the grant. We decided that no matter which way this particular grant went we were going to bring our combined dreams to fruition together!

As I sit here today and relive this story, I realize just how powerful our intentions are. Especially when they are intentions that come from the heart. When an intention is so clearly right for us and for the good of the planet, it is not a matter of IF it will happen, it is merely a question of WHEN and HOW GOOD will it turn out to be.

The New Male-Female Power Structure by Kat Knecht

One of the biggest fears expressed by my relationship coaching client couples is the fear that they will lose their identities and freedom of choice if they fully commit to the relationship. Some of them face this fear right before making the decision to head down the aisle; others reach a point of panic when expecting their first child or when accepting a new career choice.

No matter when the fear arises or what the problem or issue is, at the heart of the matter is the fear of losing personal power. This in and of itself is not a new phenomenon. People have had such fears through the ages. Right now, though, what I see happening is a world-changing paradigm shift: The shift from power struggle between the genders to power couplehood – for those who can make the leap.

Extra-Ordinary partnerships create an environment for the individual members to flourish. Instead of dominance/submission or compromise, these relationships create a third way that is better for the individuals involved than anything they could have come up with alone. Paradoxically, this new way creates a powerful, loving and fulfilling partnership.

What’s the catch, why isn’t everyone doing this?

Beyond Feminism
Popular culture tells us we need to be independent and powerful as individuals first and create a partnership from that stance. The marriage that masters the new power structure works the other way around – counter to where our culture’s heels have dug in. In the new power structure the individuals learn to grow and become more and more powerful as they work together as a team.

An Evolutionary Shift
Here is what I know is needed at this point in our evolution – right now. It is a new power structure based on collaboration not hierarchy. It is much messier, requires much more conversation, and most of all it calls for telling the truth about our individual desires and not looking to the past for guidance.

Here is my question: What if this new power structure is really the most direct path to real equality? What if this new way that works for both individuals is the missing piece to all that feminists and the like have pursed for generations? What if we were to focus our attention in our personal relationships towards what we are wanting in our work and in our home life in order to create what we are really seeking?

Here Is How the New Power Structure Works
It seems we are matched with our soul mate so we can grow spiritually as well as emotionally and in every way, actually. The universe has quite the sense of humor with this because a part of that match includes being partnered with the person who, while pushing us to grow, pushes our buttons as well.  This dynamic, of course, looks different in every relationship. The common factor is the power struggle element. This is where breakdown happens and the fear of losing power can block the love and trust in a marriage.

A New Kind of Commitment
The new power structure is not a set course from here to eternity. It requires an ongoing conversation. It requires the willingness to tell the truth (what you experience as the truth!) even if it seems selfish or old fashioned or contradictory. It requires being willing to do the personal growth work as individuals as well as together. It requires that kind of commitment. Not just a commitment to time, but to faithfulness and love. It goes beyond the basics and the bare minimum.

The New Power Structure Calls for Courage
The new power structure allows you to be in a relationship where you get to shine and be your best, loving and loved for exactly who you are and who your partner is. You use your full power and have it welcomed. You are fully partnered in a way that supports the best in you and forgives the worst. You create a fulfilling life with someone who shares your passion for life. You make decisions about money, sex, work, and children where your opinion is valued as highly as your partner’s. Your view is welcomed. Your dreams are realized even greater than you could have imagined when holding onto them yourself.

This, my friend, is the promised land of the new power structure. It is a relationship paradigm worth having, let me tell you. It is worth the work, the messiness, the time and the sacrifices of ego gratification and looking good to other people. It is the ultimate life experience a person can have here on earth! If you are reading this book, I know that you, like the couple in the following story, are up for this most rewarding journey.

The High Dream of The New Power Structure
When this new power structure is embraced, we will let go of all old ways of thinking and family structures that are dependent on a matriarchal or patriarchal system in order to function. We will bring the wisdom of the ages – and our individual and joint strengths.

We will remember that we are each individuals and can never be generalized into a gender category AND gender plays a role in making up who we are. We will make a commitment to growing, exploring, loving, nurturing, and always be willing to see the truth together no matter how messy. We will hold the other’s best interests as well as our own as equal and be committed to honoring both at all times, knowing it is not only possible but magical.

There are NO easy answers here only an ongoing conversation about what is true Now – in our evolution as a culture and as individuals in a relationship. This kind of fulfillment is possible only when we are in a relationship where we are authentically ourselves with a trust so deep we can face the unpredictable and varied circumstances of life with joy.

It is also true that we actually create a new entity when we are in relationship with another human.  As the wisdom of the combined elements of the people in the relationship, it will always hold the key to what is best for each individual as well as the unit. Sounds too good to be true? Explore it for yourself and see what you find.

Relationship Recovery

When the going gets tough…
This is where most of the work of relationships lies. All the rest is fine and well, but if you don’t know how to recover when you go into that vortex of reactivity, you will actually do damage to the heart of your relationship, which eventually will wear away at the love and the trust.

The good news is if you master this part, you can have all the rest - good sex, lots of fun, financial success, intimate conversations and a deep connection... not to mention lasting love!

A pretty big promise and not one made lightly. Here is why this is so: When we are masters of something, we are no longer afraid. When we are no longer afraid, we are fully engaged in our relationships and operating from our true essence.

We feel small and react when we are afraid that we will be revealed in some low light…right? So think of this class as the workout room, the gym for getting into good relationship shape!

In my work with couples I have found it does not matter what the problems are or how much they love each other. It does not matter how good of friends they are or how much money they have. When it comes to determining the fulfillment AND the longevity of a relationship the one thing that is needed is a process…. to process all the crap that naturally arises in any relationship. To be able to tell each other the truth! Any hiding or avoiding or sidestepping the truth will erode a relationship. It may not kill it off completely but it will eat into the joy and sap your energy.

The Answer
So what is the answer, Kat? You may be asking yourself this question OR should be asking yourself. As a relationship coach it is not often my job to offer advice flat out but I happen to have the answer to this question. How do we tell each other the truth without getting into trouble? How do we tell each other the truth when it might hurt? How do we tell each other the truth when we are angry? How do we tell each other the truth when we are afraid?

Okay, that was more than one question but luckily I have a simple answer: Practice... Practice... Practice.

Just like anything you want to learn how to do well you can actually practice facing all kinds of ugly situations. Moments when you lose your cool or your lovely mate has sprouted horns. Moments when you would rather tell them to buzz off.  Moments when you feel so small and alone. Moments when you would rather run and hide.

Because, my friend, it is in those exact moments when it is possible to DO something even when you don’t feel like it that bring about relationship mastery. With enough practice you will reach the Promised Land - and that is a promise. The promised land of rich, meaningful, positive, creative, fun relationship heaven.

Practice Makes… perfect?
My husband Curtis and I are considered relationship experts based on our body of work. We are each, of course, married to another relationship expert as well! We have studied this stuff and taught it and pretty much have devoted our whole lives to relationship work. People say to me, “You must have a great marriage with all you know” OR “Does it really work in your relationship all the time”?

The answer is "Yes, we have a great marriage." And though we have great chemistry and are compatible in many ways, the main reason is because we are willing to do the work. We have practiced and practiced until we now naturally know how to recover most of the time when our emotions run high. When one of us is cranky, we are facing stressful circumstances or when we drift apart because we get caught up in our work or family activities.

We also have practiced long enough that those moments don’t come up often. It was not always so. Let me tell you a little story.

Falling and Failing
Once upon a time we fell deeply in love. We wanted to spend every single moment together. We knew we were right for each other deep down inside. We were soul mates destined to be together forever. We liked doing the same things, we complimented each other’s personalities. We were not only in love, we were best friends. A match made in heaven. You get the picture.

And then… the business we had started together failed. And then… we had trouble agreeing on discipline for His son. And then… I was lost in His city and wanted to go home. And then… we showed each other our true colors And then… The real fun began.

We were forced to either give up on our vision of having a loving and honest relationship or do the work needed to learn how to face difficult circumstances - both those in the world and the even more challenging circumstance of revealing and accepting the other sides of ourselves that were not so pretty.

The good news is that the ongoing journey of fulfillment begins here:
Once you have experienced seeing the whole of another person, being accepted and loved for who you really are, feeling disappointed, angry, even betrayed and gotten to the other side then you know what true bliss in a relationship really is.

It is also true that once you know how to recover from an emotional upset you can’t not know. Of course there will be moments when you forget momentarily, but just like riding a bike it will come back to you quickly and you will choose to stay upright and peddling rather than biting the dust and crashing.

Is there any other WAY?
Finally I hear you asking, "What about those couples who never fight, like great Aunt Beatrice and Uncle Wallace?"

Well all I can tell you is I have heard stories told of them but never actually had any personal experience with that perfect couple - either personally or in my coaching work. It could be just one of those things that is the exception but not the rule. What I do know is that they are most likely not reading this article except to gloat perhaps AND I know that finding our way to the other side of conflict with someone we love is one of the grandest adventures of all and I feel a little sorry for those who miss out on the journey!