Relationship Alchemy Blog

Don't Get Mad, Get Even

Don’t Get Mad, Get Even

Last month as we looked at fulfillment and what it takes to have a fulfilling life. The experiences that bring about that wonderful feeling ran the gamut from decorating our homes to sharing our deepest thoughts with a friend. We talked about self expression and how it feels to be fully self expressed. One thing I noticed was how the energy rose just talking about self expression. There was no lack of ideas on the subject!

When we looked at what blocks our self expression there seemed to be a common theme. At the heart there was a Fear of being judged, criticized, misunderstood, or rejected by others. It seems that one of the keys to becoming more self expressed is to notice when you feel self expressed and when you feel shut down. When you pay attention you can see the words that are going through your mind.  Here are some questions to help you access your own self-expression hot buttons.

What is the story that shuts you down?
What are the words that open you up?
Have you expressing yourself freely?

One aspect of self expression that I feel deserves its very own singular focus is ANGER . Whether we are aware of it or not, unexpressed anger can block our self expression without us even knowing. Anger unexpressed turns into resentment. Whether it is resentment towards others or resentment of our circumstances, or both, resentment blocks our natural flow of energy and keeps us from having a fulfilling life.

My personal experience with my own anger has been a life long challenge for me. From the time I was small I had an awareness of the power of anger. I saw how destructive it could be, and I didn't see any benefits. This awareness led me to make one of those unconscious childhood choices. I decided I was simply not going to EVER be angry. It’s pretty funny when I look back on it. The sad part is that denying one of the basic human emotions ended up keeping me from fully experiencing my life.

Lets look at what the purpose of anger really is. Anger is the emotion that alerts us to something that is not working for us. Something is occurring that we don’t like, a value being stepped on perhaps. Anger is a powerful emotion that surges through us and compels us to act. In its purest form anger helps us to push through to new ground; to enter new territory with a feeling of purpose. When anger is felt and harnessed it can help us to go where we want to go and do what we want to do. What gets in the way? For most women when put in simple terms, it seems to be a fear of running over someone else OR being run over ourselves. It is that dual fear that can keep us from naturally feeling our anger. It is that fear that has us shut down when we do feel angry,which eventually leads to resentment or some kind of explosion, which then leads to us feeling even more determined not to feel or express our anger!  Sometimes we block the anger for so long it comes out as a physical illness or injury that we never tie back to our feelings of anger, which leads me to this week’s title.

Don’t’ Get Mad, Get Even.

I believe that when we feel and contain our anger we are at peace with ourselves. When our anger is used well we can more easily have a balanced life. The word “EVEN” in this case is not revenge, it is something much better. It is an Even feeling that comes when we are confident in expressing ourselves well. This kind of getting Even means finding your own way of being fully self expressed that brings you Even more ease and joy to your life!

Cheers,
Kat

$20 OFF AT MY YARD SALE THIS WEEKEND!!!!

                      

PRESENTED TO: YOU, AS A GIFT FROM THE RELATIONSHIP COACHING CONNECTION                           DATE: DECEMBER 11, 2010 FROM 8 AM TO ?

ISSUED BY: KAT & CURTIS KNECHT

WE HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!

 

 

 

Express Yourself!

A fulfilling life is a pursuit much like that of happiness. It is not a destination point or some place that we ever actually reach. It is more a way of life that is in alignment with our deepest values and has us engaging authentically in our life on a day-to-day basis.

 The exploration of what makes a fulfilling life is much the same for me. My goal is not to pin down the details, it is more about discovering who I am and what I can do in the world that has me feeling alive and on purpose.

 Last week we began this exploration by looking at all the elements that make up a fulfilling life for most of us. Having a life vision and getting into action toward what’s next was one part of the focus. In order to do that though we must address the voice of our saboteur that comes up to stop us from any kind of change. Creating your life from an inspiring vision requires change big time!

 It may sound strange, but I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations that the women in the Alchemy Circle had about their own saboteur voice. The phrases sometimes used by this voice were sometimes downright funny when spoken out loud. Many of the words used were similar in nature, and every single one seemed to end with ”so what’s the point! You might as well give up”,”it’s hopeless”, “your helpless”, “nobody cares anyway!”

 After the voice that is usually running in our head was given some airtime, even if just for a minute or two, there was feeling of relief that came into the space.That feeling was soon followed by pure joy, delight, and a sense of freedom and power. So often in my work with people on creating a fulfilling life this is the case. Once we get the block out of the way, the feeling underneath propels them forward easily. This is where the magic comes in. People, places, and things that were not there a minute ago suddenly appear. A new idea, new opportunity, an enlightening new awareness leaps into the space.

 As we move forward in this exploration I would like you to be aware of this dual experience. I think of it as clearing the space, so something wonderful can happen. It is one of the elements of a fulfilling life in my book. Continually clearing out the negative and allowing the positive life force to come out.

 This brings me to this week’s subject. Express Yourself! All morning I have been singing a line from the Charles Wright song I remember from my teenage years.

Here is my favorite verse:

 

It’s not what you look like

When you're doin what you're doin

 It’s what you're doin

 When you're doin

What you look like you're doin

Express yourself!

 

 Full self-expression is one of the most delicious experiences I know. Yet, for me it has taken a lifetime to learn just how to fully express myself in a way that gets me the results I want. In a leadership program I took they had an expression that has really helped me with this: Full permission-notice the impact. When I apply this to full self-expression it is something akin to how I like to write. Put it all out there and then edit to make it palatable for the public. Say what is true for me and be willing to be with the response of others. That has helped me in many instances to be fully self-expressed with my opinions, ideas, and thoughts.

  However, where it gets really tricky for me is when I am feeling angry. I mentioned last week that Healthy Emotional Expression is an important element in being fulfilled in our lives. This week we are going to look at Full Self Expression in all of its colors with a special focus on how that looks when we are angry. The saboteur voice stops us by creating negative thinking based on fear. Not knowing what to do with our anger blocks our energy so completely that it is one of the most common ways women sell out on themselves. The experience of having our anger blocked drains our energy, has us feeling small and incompetent. Not knowing how to authentically and effectively express ourselves when we are angry can cause us to lash out at others or to beat up on ourselves. Pretty nasty stuff.

 You know I am going to give you some good news right? Of course. We are looking at two tracks here at all times. There is the track that holds us back. There is the track that propels us forward. That is the track we get on the instant we feel the emotion of anger, know exactly what to do with it, and fully express ourselves! Something pops out of us that is so authentically pure as to be delicious. The feeling can leave us euphoric for days.

 I know this one well as I said from a lifetime of being trapped by my own anger. For many years I was disconnected from the feeling and wondering why I was so tired all the time. Then when I became aware of the particular way anger feels for me, I had to face my stupidity on what to do with it! I was tempted to go back to ignorance and might have if that had even been possible. Instead, I began to learn what NOT to do first, and then slowly but surely I learned healthy and happy ways of feeling and fully expressing myself when anger showed up to let me know something wasn't working for me.

 I have to confess this lesson has been in my face recently. Okay... okay, it was the lesson that was up for me over the past week, so it is fresh in my awareness! I learned one more piece of the puzzle in being fully self-expressed. I faced down my own saboteur voice and stepped out into the unknown territory of being self expressed with my anger.

 This week I want you to look at your own full self-expression, and look at what gets in the way as well. What is full self expression like for you: When you're feeling sassy, when you're feeling blue...when you're feeling quiet as a shoe....AND especially when you are feeling angry and don't know what to do! This week notice your authentic self-expression. When is it fullest? What blocks it? What helps to unlock it?

 

Cheers,

Kat

Fulfillment is a High Wire Act!

Over the month of October the Relationship Alchemy Circle members worked on creating a life vision for themselves. As with all things worth doing, this project had its challenges as well as rewards. Some of the challenges were about time.  I heard stories about not having enough time to make a vision board, and laments such as “it takes sooo much time to sit down and write a vision story Kat!”

 Some of the other challenges were internal. Some of the women didn't know what they wanted to put on their boards or in their stories. Others had never had any success with visioning and were resistant. There was also the challenge of seeing what was currently missing in their lives. Along with that at times, came the challenge of longing for something they had never yet experienced.

 By the end of the month, the rewards starting pouring in. There were inspiring stories of elements of the visions sparking the women into action. Some were reaping the reward that comes when there is absolute clarity on what they desired. Once the resistance was overcome, visions sprang forth magically for some, while others were still learning from the visioning process what they were meant to have as a fulfilling life. That is what seemed to be the most common thread that tied all these amazing visions together. Though each vision was unique in the elements included, they all were pictures painted with words and images of a fulfilling life.

 Just like the vision process the real life experience of fulfillment is mixed with challenges and rewards. This is one of the benefits of taking the time to envision. It gives you practice, as well as the inspiration needed to actually live a fulfilling life.

 This subject is so important to me and my own purpose here on earth that it is at the heart of the book I am currently writing. The working title says it all to me.

 Fulfillment is a High Wire Act!

 Creating and sustaining a life that is fulfilling takes a very clear intention. It is not an experience that one can have while sleep walking through life.  It is not one that most people are willing to take on. Just like the experience the women in the Alchemy Circle had last month. It is both challenging and rewarding; they go hand in hand.The good news is that the challenges are rewarding, and the rewards are YUMMY!

 When I look at what makes a fulfilling life here are a few elements that seem essential and in no particular order. Full Self Expression, Self Love, Self Care, and Balance, which means saying yes and no to the activities that we do, yes and no to the people in our lives, and yes and no to how we live our life on a daily basis. It takes planning and preparation to live a well balanced life. It takes joyful discipline as well.

 Next comes emotional and physical fitness. We humans are emotional creatures. It is important to know what we are feeling and have the ability to express our feelings appropriately. That sounds rather stiff perhaps, but my experience has been that when I am in touch with my true feelings and know what information they are conveying to me, I feel so darn good! It frees me up like nothing else. I have found that to do this, it is important to listen to my body. The body never lies! There is a direct connection between our emotions and body sensations that is so helpful to be aware of. This is certainly one of the essential pieces to a fulfilling life!

 Last but not least, I believe we need to be aware of and know how to self manage our inner critic, saboteur voice, gremlin activity, or whatever you call that entity that comes up to block your every success and to underline your so-called “failures”. This is actually one of the true dangers of having an inspiring and clear vision of what your life is really meant to look like. It calls out the gremlins every time. The blocks surely come up, and the self-sabotaging behavior is not far behind.

 That of course brings us back to where I began. Creating a vision of a fulfilling life can be both challenging and rewarding. Living a fulfilling life is a high wire act that calls for courage! It is not for sissies, that is for sure. Though the rewards can include material wealth, relationship bliss, and business success, it is the feeling of confidence in oneself and the joy of living that are the greatest rewards. In my book, that is something worth putting some effort into!

 If you are up for a fulfilling life and would like to begin living one, I hope you will join in the fun this month. Here is one way to begin stepping into a fulfilling life:

Identify the voice of your inner critic. Simply notice when you feel constricted. When you begin to feel hopeless or bad about yourself. What is the voice saying to you? What kind of tone does it have? What are the words it uses? There is no need to make a judgment about this voice because that usually makes it worse! Just notice the voice for what it is, and shift your attention to something that uplifts your spirits.

 

Cheers,

Kat

 

Life Vision- Part 2

I remember one particular moment when the dust had just settled in my “new life”  as I thought of it then. I had gone all the way with following my life vision and could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I decided that from that day on I would live my entire life from my vision. I would use my collages, my writing, my daily meditation to tap into my life vision; to receive messages from below the surface on what choices were in my best interest. Where I should go, what action I should take, should all be based on alignment with my vision. I put my trust in this way of life, and the rewards have been amazing.

 

From my very first collage, where I made a picture of the place I was guided to live. The picture was totally unfamiliar. It wasn't something I had in mind at all. I liked it very much though, because of the peaceful feeling I had when I looked at it. I kept that collage in my bedroom for about a year without giving it too much thought. Every once in a while I would look at it directly and enjoy the beauty I saw. If I thought about it too much though, I would shake my head wondering what it was really saying to me.

 

I wasn't thinking of it at all when I was guided to stop in Ventura on my way to another destination. On that trip Curtis and I found a park for our dog to run, and right then and there I declared this was where I wanted to live. I didn't think of the collage when I got an intuitive hit to go online and look at rental properties and found one that made my heart sing.

 

It was quiet a shock, a pleasant kind of surprise when we arrived at the rental property I had found and it was located directly across the street from the park where I had made my declaration. After we secured the house, I was sitting in my new office for the first time. I looked out the windows at the lovely back yard, and there it was. An almost exact replica of the picture I had created in my collage 2 years earlier. I ran and got it out of the box I had packed for our move. It looked the same, it felt the same. I knew I had lived into my life vision one more step.

 

I had followed my very own MAP to a destination that was right for me. That to me is the key to following a life vision. We are always being guided to what is right for US, not some generic right, but our rightful place in the world. A life vision holds our Whole life, our creative expression, ideal place to live and work,  and the romantic relationship that is best for us and who we are meant to be.

 

This month we are going to go beneath the tip of the iceberg that is above the surface, and see a bigger picture of our life vision and purpose.

 

To get a glimpse of yours, you can simply draw a circle on a piece of paper. Make a pie chart of however many pieces of the pie you would like to look at in your life. Write in the areas that come to mind. Then ask yourself what you would like to have happen in each area. This is a great beginning to having a life vision structure by which to live your life!

 Cheers,

Kat